As we age, it’s normal to become more empathetic toward widows and widowers. We see friends go through the struggle of losing their spouse and deal with that difficult transition into widowhood. We begin to realize that, if we’re married, the odds are either we or our spouse will face the same transition in the future.
Yes, it’s called widowhood. But on a broader scale, it’s all about navigating the grief and transition from years of marriage to a new life of being On Your Own. It’s one of the largest transitions we face in life, but it doesn’t get the press it deserves.
Like retirement, it’s a topic we should all plan for.
Like retirement, it’s a transition you cannot fully understand until you experience it firsthand.
If you’re a regular reader of The Retirement Manifesto, you’re likely a planner. If you’re like me, you see value in learning from others who are a few steps ahead of you on the journey of life.
Today, we have a special post, written by a woman who is an expert on the transition into widowhood. Mary Donahue, Ph.D., has not only lived through the loss of her spouse but she’s co-written a book on the topic. In her words, she’s been forced to “turn the page,” and reading about her firsthand experience provides insight I’m unable to provide. I’m also sharing the story of Jonathan Clements, a fellow blogger who recently discovered he has terminal cancer and is doing everything he can to ease the upcoming transition for his wife.
I learned a lot while reading their words.
I think you’ll benefit, as well.
We should prepare for widowhood, just like we prepared for retirement. Today, a look at the transition to being On Your Own, from those who are living it. Share on X
On Your Own
When a woman realizes that her coupled life has ended and she is now a widow she is devastated. So many thoughts and feelings swirl within her.
- What does this mean?
- How will I survive?
- What do I need to do next?
- Who will help me?
- Do I need help?
- Where will I get it?
Regardless of the circumstances accompanying this loss, sudden or anticipated, she is frightened in addition to being sad and often angry. Regardless of how she feels she is forced to turn the page on a new chapter in her life.
I lost my husband suddenly when my daughters were 10 and 15. At the time I was working part-time. I had little knowledge of our financial situation, even though my husband had tried without success to get me to sit down with him and review our finances on numerous occasions.
I was adrift.
Shock and overpowering grief engulfed me.
So many unanswered questions. I was painfully aware of my new reality. Fortunately, we had a financial planner with whom I had had limited contact. She knew more about my finances than I did. She was available to provide me with answers and steps to get where I needed to be.
The combination of losing a loved one and not knowing how you are going to survive financially compounds one’s emotional response to that loss. Having gone through this frightening experience and come out on the other side I wanted to provide help to others in better understanding where they are, the grief experience, and the recognition that there is light at the end of what feels like a very dark tunnel.
Alexandra Armstrong was the financial planner we had selected to help us develop a financial plan. Alex lost her father when she was 8 and had witnessed her mother’s financial struggles. This life experience led to her devoting her professional life to helping others with their financial lives. When she inherited me, I was very difficult. I resisted assuming responsibility for making decisions of any kind. Agonizing over what my husband would have wanted to do or my father but definitely not me. It required her to shake me up and give me a somewhat stern, teacher-like lecture as to my new role and my ability to get where I needed to go.
Writing A Book To Help Others
Based on our mutual life experiences with the impact of early loss, Alex and I wanted to help others better understand what they were experiencing and how to meet the many new demands facing them. Our underlying theme in the resulting book, On Your Own (Amazon Affiliate link), is the fact that you can do this. You have the inner strength you do not know you have to address all you need to address. Each one’s personality characteristics will play a role in how they begin their individual journey. Some women will seek support from family and friends while others will want to grieve on their own terms and seek information online or with designated professionals. Knowing yourself will help you determine how you need to move forward.
The Steps To Living On Your Own
It is important to identify and organize the financial information needed to settle the estate and manage daily life. The process of getting the financial aspects in order will allow her to feel she has better control of her life and realize she is not afloat and unanchored.
There are 3 professionals that many women will need to deal with while settling the estate. They are:
- an attorney,
- an accountant
- a financial planner.
It is important to understand the role each of these professionals is likely to play throughout this process. Some estates will be in much better shape than others and the amount of work required to complete the process will be determined in part by the size of the estate and the order in which it has been left for the bereaved.
Some widows feel overwhelmed by the number of individuals who need to be contacted and apprised of the demise of their spouse. It is often helpful to enlist family and friends to help comprise this list as well as make the necessary contacts. In today’s world, some of this can be handled online which does not require the widow to engage in any conversation which may feel like a chore bringing back memories of happier times. Obvious entities are the bank, the mortgage holder if you own a house, the Social Security Administration, credit card companies, and insurance agents. There are also lesser entities such as clubs, fitness facilities, etc.
Putting One Foot In Front Of The Other
After the widow has put in place what needs to be done to settle the estate she should feel somewhat more in control. The time has come to allow herself to move on and look toward the future. While it is so difficult to imagine a life without a loved one a more pressing issue might be what is going to happen to me financially. Ruminations along these lines may increase her feelings of helplessness, sadness, depression, and anxiety. For some these feelings might even be paralyzing.
Putting together her current sources of income and expenses as well as her anticipated income and expenses may help allow her to contemplate her future. This exercise will allow her to determine whether or not she has sufficient income to cover her present expenses as well as her anticipated expenses. How will her lifestyle be impacted? Does she have sufficient funds to maintain her current lifestyle or is it necessary to make some changes?
Even if the news is not good at least you have a place to start and an opportunity to identify to whom you might want to turn for help. None of this happens overnight. It takes some time, putting one foot in front of the other but always moving and inching forward.
At this juncture too, the widow needs to review, what we call her financial conditioning. What is her attitude toward money, how did it come to be and how has it affected her life? What is her risk tolerance when it comes to spending money, putting money in savings, or investing money? With the combination of her awareness of her financial needs and her attitude toward money, she can begin to do some short-term and longer-term planning.
Once a widow has put together where she is financially, she can begin to think about what her financial life might look like in the next chapter of her life.
At this point in her journey, the widow may be ready to allow herself to focus on perhaps what might be considered less important aspects of daily life. They have probably been put on a very back burner. They include socialization, diet and nutrition, exercise, other pursuits of interest for which there might have been no time, dating, travel, and perhaps even sex. Many of these considerations need to be viewed from the perspective of where the widow is in the life cycle. A widow in her forties will find herself in a very different space than a widow in her seventies. Regardless of her age, every widow should be able to design a financially sound, meaningful, and enriched life for herself and her significant others over time.
In 2023 my co-author was widowed following the death of her husband following a long illness. In the resulting 6th edition of our book, On Your Own, we came together once more to provide our readers with our joint perspective on widowhood in the age of the internet. It has always been our mission to provide all widows a blueprint for moving from abject sadness to hope and optimism,
A Writer With Cancer
Fritz here, with a sincere “Thank You!” to Mary for sharing her experience of transitioning into widowhood. I’ve also decided to add a section that is a must-read for anyone planning for the widowhood of their spouse. Jonathan Clements is an amazing writer at Humble Dollar who recently discovered he has cancer. His article announcing that reality to the world is linked below and should be read by everyone:
The fact that Jonathan is my age and a fellow blogger raised my awareness of the brevity of life and the importance of making the transition as easy as possible for your spouse. His transparency in continuing to write on the topic as he moves toward his unavoidable death offers a rare insight into the steps he’s taking as a financial professional and writer planning for his wife’s transition. His latest post, “On The Clock” was written on Aug 17th, and struck me with his positive mindset as he chooses to “make the most of every day, doing what I love and trying mightily to fend off life’s nonsense.”
My prayers are with you and your family, Jonathan. You’re an inspiration for all of us.
Steps I Plan To Take
In closing, I’ve added this section to summarize the key lessons I learned from Mary and Jonathan’s words, and the action I’m planning with my wife as a result:
1. Hire A Planner: Yes, I’ve been a lifelong DIY’er. However, if I depart this world and my wife is left alone, I know she’ll need the help of an expert planner. In that vein, I’ve taken two steps: 1) In my annual “Love Letter” to my wife (updated with our current Net Worth, passwords, and instructions), I’ve directed her to contact a financial planner I trust to help her through the process. The second step is committing to myself that if I’m still around by age 75, I’ll hire a planner to take over our finances. I know there’s a risk of mental decline, and I’d rather do it myself than force the task onto my wife. We could debate the timing, but I’ve settled on my mid-70s to pull that trigger.
2. Read “On Your Own”: Mary was generous to send me a copy of her book. My wife saw it on the counter and asked “Is there something I should know?” We had a chuckle, but there is a serious point about the need to plan for the very real possibility that my wife will outlive me. I plan on having my wife and I read the book and then discuss what we’ve learned and how we can better plan for the future.
3. Simplify Our Accounts: Reading about the steps Jonathan is taking to smooth the transition for his wife has been eye-opening. He has been surprised by the amount of work required to simplify things to the fullest extent possible and has motivated me to begin doing the same with our financial affairs.
4. Review Our Estate Plan: Yes, we have a will, health directive, and appropriate powers of attorney in place. However, it’s been years since we’ve “dusted them off,” and I think a refresh is in order. Watch for future posts on the topic (if you have suggestions, please jump in with your comments). I also keep an updated “Love Letter” for my wife, with instructions on the steps she should take in the event of my death and a list of passwords and contacts for all of our financial affairs. I’ll be adding the suggestion that she reread “On Your Own.”
Conclusion
If you’re married, the reality is that either you or your spouse will likely be widowed in the years ahead. Yes, it’s a grim thought, but it’s reality and we’ll be doing our spouse a disservice if we don’t address it while we still can.
Again, a special word of thanks to Mary Donahue for taking the time to write today’s guest post. This topic is best served by one who has lived it, and I could think of no better person to address the reality of the transition to being “On Your Own” than the person who wrote the book on the topic.
Also, a note to Jonathan, if you happen to see this article. Thank you for all you’ve done in the writing community over the years, and I’d like to give a special acknowledgment of your chosen approach to dealing with your cancer diagnosis. Your humility is inspiring, and the world continues to learn from you during this most challenging trial. Thank you for your transparency, and for teaching us how to live the best life with every day we’re given.
Your Turn: If you’re married, what are you doing to smooth the transition for your spouse in the event of your death? Looking over Mary’s words, what most resonated with you? Finally, what are you learning from Jonathan’s experience in preparing for his unavoidable death? Let’s chat…
What?! No comments! We all live in Egypt; in ‘Da Nile’. Denial.😆
Seriously, great article! Works for divorce, as well.
Thanks!
Jan, what can I say, with your comment coming in at 6:41 am EST, you’re the early bird! Thanks for posting the first comment, I suspect there will be many more to follow after the sun rises.
Also, great point about divorce. Thanks for adding value to the discussion this morning.
Fritz, your blog post has proven timely. I was just diagnosed with cancer and it’s in the advanced stage since it’s very hard to detect. We went from planning for retirement in 3 years to planning life with cancer and the unknown a 180 degree turn. I’m a DIYer investor and I manage the day to day finances and I’m pretty confident my wife will be financially with the house, IRAs and life insurance but there still a lot of information that I need to transition to her. In addition having 3 adult kids and 2 grandchildren I honestly get too emotional about what I may miss in their lives if this goes south quickly. I cherish each day, I take a deep breath and it’s my cancer and I’m not a statistic. I stay off the internet researching what I have as I truly believe I have a great team of doctors that are in my life. Thanks for the resources from today’s post and I look forward to reading more. Honestly, one of the hardest parts for me was the sudden turn of events since I’m a planner as well and had the next 25-30 years planned out as we are both 59. Thanks again for everything you do for the DIYers. Bob
Bob – I don’t know you but am just a reader of Fritz’s blog. Please know I am praying for you and your family. God be with you. Mike
Mike, thank you for interceding on behalf of myself and my family through your prayers. Your generosity of spirit is truly remarkable. God Bless. Bob
Bob, please know you and your family have our prayers, as well.
Bob, I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I can’t imagine facing that type of shock at any time, let alone as you’re closing in on your long planned for retirement. I’ll be keeping you and your family in my prayers, hoping you’re able to cherish each day with the ones you love, making special memories that they’ll cherish for years. Have faith, I know there’s a world beyond this one, and it’s a much better place than where we live now. Until then, I’ll pray that you have strength, courage and wisdom on your difficult journey.
My challenge is that we have a financial planner but my wife has no interest in engaging with it—she’s a very private person and just assumes our son will guide her through her financial situation should I die first. 😕
I have a close friend who has a real aversion to the tedium of financial matters. She’d rather stick her head in the sand. All I can suggest is to engage in baby steps, and prioritize discussion items by importance and complexity. Definitely have some joint and private conversations with your son also, so he’s not surprised after you pass.
Good read. We all must have some type of plan. Even one that you just talk about.
Great article Fritz, and one I have actually lived. When you say likely in this sentence:
If you’re married, the reality is that either you or your spouse will likely be widowed in the years ahead.
This is our shared first problem. Likely versus certainly. I would tell you it is most definitely the latter and that should make us all act.
I lost my spouse to cancer in 2016. Then by a true miracle found a second partner who has lost her husband. Our decisions since getting married have been guided by the fact that one of us will be alone, again. We both know how that feels.
We updated wills, got real about the too large home we were in, got rid of decades of stuff and moved to another home that either can remain in alone, closer to family.
This process took about 18 months and was very hard at age 69, but would have been impossible in another decade. Financial planning is handled by a fiduciary CFP firm. We can move forward with our shared time and relax.
So don’t allow the myth of likely on this one.
Thanks for what you do.
QH
I’m sure the “likely” just reflects that you could die together in an accident. We travel quite a bit and I do think about this, making sure that a family member has the contact information for our attorney and fiduciary before a big trip.
We can only hope for that, I agree. But not really very likely.
QH, I actually struggled with the choice of words as I wrote that sentence, and did consider “will be” instead of “will likely be,” but chose the latter since there is the slim possibility that both could die together in an accident, and I knew a reader would point that out if I didn’t go with “likely.” I agree with you, the odds are MUCH higher that one of the couple will be widowed, and we should all plan accordingly. Sorry to hear about the loss of your first wife, but pleased to hear about your “happy miracle.”
To everyone else, I encourage you to heed Quentin’s words. The reality is “will be” is a better reflection of reality than “will likely be.” Thanks for pointing out the reality, QH.
Fritz another great and timely post thank you for sharing. The idea of a yearly love letter to my wife is something I will need to start to do.
Mark, several readers have commenting on my “Love Letter” approach, may have to write a future post on that one. Stay tuned…
Please do write a Love Letter post! A good idea I should implement, but insight from one who has done it is always appreciated.
Dear Fritz, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank both you and Jonathan for your blogs, which I’ve read with great interest over the years. Although I’m in the UK, your insights can be extrapolated and have been most helpful to me, along with the many comments. I’d also second Jan’s comment above, having first divorced (after 35 years), then been widowed some 10 years later as well as having had to settle my mother’s estate. My thoughts and hopes are for you and your communities.
Just two things I’d like to add: one, as well as simplifying your financial affairs and ensuring that should the time come your widow is equipped with the knowledge to access that information, any other more personal planning you can put in place for them once you are gone will show your care and love, and be be hugely appreciated too. Two, insignificant household or personal objects (to you) take on immense significance simply because of your passing, and it it amazing how more distant friends and family members are pleased just to receive them as keepsakes. This will simplify things for your widow, and provide the space to help shape their new life. We all accumulate too much ‘stuff’ over our lifetimes but having to deal with all of the clutter at a hugely emotional time can seem overwhelming.
Finally advice for the widows – if you can, take no major decisions for at least a year; your feelings, needs and circumstances will take at least that long to configure.
Lindsey, thanks for adding your valuable insight, gained from difficult personal experience and highly credible. Thank you for your transparency, I trust the readers will take it to heart.
Bless all you spouses who plan ahead for this. My mom lost her second husband to suicide, with 3 teenagers at home. If that wasn’t devastating enough, he had allowed a life insurance policy to lapse and had incurred a lot of debts, some she’d signed on and some not. No savings and lost her job 2 months after his death because she couldn’t function. Our grandma helped her some financially, and we went on food stamps for a year or so. Thankfully she still had our house, and by some miracle of determination and grit managed to keep it. Had to rebuild finances at age 40, and was able to save and retire early at 62 with an early retirement buyout at work.
Wow, what an amazing story, Lynne. Thanks for sharing, and Kudos to your Mom for not only surviving such a tragic ordeal, but finding a way to thrive through her “miracle of determination and grit.” I trust some of Mom has rubbed off on Daughter, and hopefully now through the miracle of the internet, will find its way into the planning of a few of the readers of this little corner of the internet.
Fritz,
Thank you for shining your light on the loss of a spouse. It is a far more difficult change of life than I had anticipated. I lost my wife last year after a long illness. Emotionally it was harder than expected, financially I found we had not done enough preparation. The change in taxes, income brackets cut in half, Medicare limits cut in half and loss of her SSI, all made previous planning moot to a degree. I wish we had focused more on Roth conversions much earlier than we did. She fought her illness with a fierce intensity and would not discuss a future that had her losing her battle. Unfortunately, we all lose that battle at some time.
I am a 69 YO man that now has a large home that no longer works, so selling and downsizing is in process. I also have a home in your beautiful mountains that I will keep for now. Getting rid of a lifetime of “stuff” is difficult but will be a blessing to my children. All would have been much simpler if done together but could never be easy. It is a very real future that we will all experience and truly deserves a lot of discussion.
Thank you for writing, it has helped me tremendously over the past several years. I owe you a beer at Grumpys!
Kerry
“It is a far more difficult change of life than I had anticipated.”
Kerry, thank you for sharing so transparently. Sincere condolences over the loss of your wife, I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through over the past year. Thank you for demonstrating the seriousness of this issue, I trust readers will benefit from your courage in sharing your story. And…I’ll take you up on that beer at Grumpy’s. I’m sure we’ll have a tremendously valuable conversation at the same time, and sincerely hope you look me up the next time you get into these beautiful mountains I call home.
I was widowed at 32 when my husband of 3 1/2 years died from cancer. Our daughter was 2. If you have never been through this, just be aware that life is terrible. I read many books on death and surviving. Told my friends I was doing well. Was very depressed. Tried counseling but she was terrible so I never went back. One thing about having a young child, they cannot be ignored so many times, she got me out of bed and kept me going. Social security for widows and dependents plus working as a substitute teacher helped me financially. We did not have a lot saved because we had both just started our careers but I managed. When I turned 40, I went back to school for my master’s because I finally looked at my life financially and realized that I needed to do something! In 2005 I moved to Utah for a fantastic job and I am due to retire next June, with a pension and very healthy TSP account. I met my second husband in 2009 and he will retire next August with a pension and a healthy TSP plus 401K from previous jobs. We will downsized and pay cash for a retirement home in another state with better tax laws. We have spoken about one of us being widowed but this post has given me the push to plan for widowhood.
Life can be very difficult sometimes. Posts such as this helps. If your spouse does not want to participate in the financial planning, make sure the information is easy to understand. Love the idea of the annual love letter.
First, Kerry, thank you for your thoughts and reality. Second, Fritz, I very much appreciate the “action” plans and tasks you do or intend to do. I also think your readership are planners.
Last, my wife is battling cancer, has been for the last three years. We are 64YOs and one of the actions we decided was to look into social security and disability payments. With just a little paperwork and time, she qualified. We also reached out to my employer to discuss a short-term and long-term relationship. My suggestions of a work-from-home situation was rejected, and I was urged to accept a different path. Consumption of vacation, sick time, and FMLA will be my short-term plan and all of which keeps me a full-time employee! Thankfully, my employer knows I will continue to be engaged and will assist as much as I can, but what a blessing! Still working on the long-term plan, but I encourage folks to use all resources to help in these situations. Keep the positivity up! There are resources to help.
I am a DIY investor and was contemplating hiring a FA at around age 75, and I think this blog stating this is also your plan confirms this to be my plan, as well. My wife just does not have the same level of interest in finance that I have. The FA will almost certainly cure the consolidation concern, also.
I’m a regular reader of Humble Dollar and even an occasional author for it. As it happens, my most recent piece went live just last week, and I gave a hat-tip to Fritz and linked this blog! (My article was on counting down to my 2025 retirement date.)
Anyway, Jonathan has done an amazing job with his weekly articles about his journey since sharing his cancer diagnosis early this summer. They’re heart-wrenching to read, but they’re clear-eyed and very practical and give every reader a to-do list. I highly encourage people to go read all of them (HD articles are short, usually just around 1000 words, give or take.)
Thanks for sharing, Fritz. It is a raw, but necessary consideration in plannjng for whatever life presents us. As my wife has little interest in discussing let alone understanding investing (she would just assume give everything to a Financial
planner), the best I could consider is the live letter approach.
Have you posted the live letter format & content in the blog? If not, would you consider doing so? I have all of our passwords and called out our investments and insurance, which is in a safe deposits box, but perhaps I am missing in some of the instructions? I would love to have an outline to follow.
Thanks for what you do!
Dave
Thank you Fritz for a great article, you know I always enjoy reading your stuff and today was no different.
I had to laugh when Mary mentioned in her book that her husband had tried to explain their financial situation to her many times but she just didn’t have any interest in it at the time. I could see my wife saying exactly the same thing to me on several occasions.
Like you I was a life long do it yourself ‘er. But as a result of the conversations I had with my wife after we retired I hired a financial planner a few years ago. He has met my wife twice and he’s familiar with the torture she goes through for an hour or two discussing our retirement financial situation. So, at least he’s up to speed on what he will be dealing with in the likely event she out lives me.
It’s a huge relief to me knowing that I have someone in place to take care of things for her that already has all the financial, insurance, real estate and other information to make her transition less stressful. I have thought a lot about this topic, and I really appreciate you writing about it. I’ll be reading Mary’s book, I know I can always learn more.
Thank you again, God bless you and your family.
One of the things my wife does is to keep track of three local widowers. Coincidentally today she is having these three men, all of whom lost their spouses in the last few years, over to our house for lunch. Two are in their eighties and one is our age (sixties) and she keeps track of how they are doing and we both lend a hand when we can. There is also a lady widow we both treat like a favorite aunt, I’m her computer, iPhone and Ring security volunteer tech guy. The fun fact we’ve discovered is that we get as much joy, or maybe more, than they do out of the relationships.
Fritz, sad but very important article. Thanks for sharing the two most profound stories of untimely and eventual death. Admittedly, I became very emotional when reading about Mary’s loss and Johnathan’s terminal diagnosis.
As a retired healthcare administrator, I managed numerous cancer centers throughout my 25-year career. I have witnessed it all. Even managing a leading university cancer center that treated mostly that state’s children. In my former life as an Army officer I was trained to be a Survivor Assistance Officer responsible for first notifying active-duty soldiers or military retiree deaths to family, arranging military funerals and settling their financial affairs. I continue to use my skills as a patient advocate for family and friends fighting this dreadful cancer disease. Furthermore, I help them settle their estate. This is emotionally draining for me especially losing a nephew to cancer at age 27 and most recently a very close friend who was my age, but I feel compelled to impart my wisdom to those in need.
Due to my training and experience, like Jonathan, I have a letter to my wife that I update annually. I am also transparent to a fault that drives my wife crazy at times, and I am even teaching her how to find important documents, how to use Quicken and once she is retired in October, I will move all of her three work related retirement accounts into Vanguard to simplify our lives.
Hello Fritz,
Great post, and a very important one! As a financial planner I had the honor of assisting a number of surviving spouses through those early days after the loss of their loved ones. What your readers may not realize is that, although we keep a professional distance, planners (especially those at small independent firms who are fee-only planners) become very emotionally attached to clients that we often work with for decades. We genuinely care about them and their families, otherwise we probably would have become a financial advisor instead of a planner. We work closely with accountants and estate planning attorneys as well as executors and trustees to make the transfer of assets after death as smooth as possible.
A couple of examples come to mind. One client had lymphoma and knew he was dying; he asked me to be there with his wife if he died suddenly, as he knew it would take a day or so for his daughter to arrive from out of town. I was able to do that, just listening quietly through those first few hours as I sat with her in their home. It was a very moving experience.
Another client was a do-it-yourselfer who was worried about how his spouse, who had no interest in finance, would cope if he passed away. He hired our firm to create a financial plan, and his wife was present for all the meetings (a rule we had for married couples) so she got to know and trust my boss. Once the plan was done the client continued to manage his own assets (our firm offered a planning only option for a one time or retainer fee that did not include asset management) but would check in periodically. We kept his plan and the info used to create that plan on file. Unfortunately this very kind man was killed suddenly at a relatively young age in a road bike accident. His wife immediately called my boss, who helped her with all her financial matters during the next few months, giving her some peace of mind and space to grieve.
I think simplifying finances as one gets older is extremely important. Don‘t have too many accounts at different banks and financial institutions, don’t own assets that are complex or hard to sell, set up wills and trusts in a way that minimizes conflict (and avoid surprises, if possible). I also recommend keeping one payment-on-death bank account that contains some cash that will be available to your spouse or children in those first few weeks after death when trust accounts may be frozen. Also, if your finances are set up well very little needs to be done in those very tough weeks immediately after a death; in fact, planners recommend postponing most decisions until the period of extreme emotional distress and grieving has passed.
Fritz, I still recommend that you go through the CFP(r) training classes and become a planner. I think you would enjoy them, learn a lot, and do very well.
Thanks for the thought provoking information. I have a FA, even though I think I could handle our finances myself. I really do it for two reasons, the most important being I want someone to advise my wife in case of something unexpected happening to me. The second reason is, I want to spend my time in retirement doing other things now. My plan is pretty much on auto pilot, making bucket adjustments annually.( thx for reinforcing that strategy). I spent years getting this in place, now I just want to enjoy what we have built.
Thank you all for a great post. Wife died suddenly at 54 (one year before I was to retire). It certainly was a challenge picking up the pieces. My message to every couple is that you either divorce or one will die and are you prepared. Not that one should overtly prepare for divorce. The intent is to get couples to think about what they don’t know. Do you know how to manage the finances, manage the house, have an income, what about child care, and so on. Thanks again Fritz for what you do!
Fritz~ The ON YOUR OWN, article really hit home for me, as I lost my wife 20 years ago. I was the assistant basketball coach at Central Michigan at the time and my coaching career was moving in a positive direction. Gemma (my wife) was 42 and melanoma totally took over her body and was gone in 28 days after final diagnosis. Our kids were age 9 and 2 at the time of her passing. Needless to say, I was at a loss as to how I could raise two kids on my own. She did EVERYTHING, as I was traveling, recruiting and working long days. Fortunately, i had a church family, a team family and support that came from unbelievable sources. My sole purpose became the kids and putting my college coaching career on hold. I prioritized my thinking to getting through a day at a time rather then how I could do this long term. Now I was dealing with one income, instead of two and thank God for social security benefits for the kids. I also was fortunate to have life insurance policy on Gemma. Well, it’s been 20 years now and the kids have grown up and doing great things. My advice is take a day at a time, allow yourself to move on when your ready, be prepared for financial crisis and remember God never gives us more than we can handle.
Marc, thanks for sharing your story. I never realized your wife passed at such a young age, so sorry to hear you all had to go through that as a young family. While it’s true that God never gives us more than we can handle, he sure likes to test our limits sometimes. Glad you had your church family, I often wonder how folks do it who don’t have a supportive church community to help out when the going gets tough.
As an attorney, I have (sadly) discovered after the fact, many widow and widower clients that were ripe targets for scam artists. I would love to see more books and seminars being taught to protect them in this regard.
Fritz, Part of the widow process is including your children in a discussion of losing a parent and the responsibilities they will incur. I believe most children think their parents will live forever. Early death is a shock but after parents reach the elderly age the inevitable will happen.
Don’t be a stranger will are only 90 minutes apart.
Uncle Mark! Thanks for adding a great point to the article, I agree it’s critical to include your children in the discussion. My Dad did that when he updated all of his estate documents in his early 80’s, and it was extremely helpful for all of us after his passing. I agree it’s been too long since we’ve gotten together, I’ll shoot you an email to get something scheduled!
Fritz, I have been reading the Manifesto for several years. It has helped me plan for my own retirement from full-time work and I am grateful to you for continuing to help your readers prepare for their next chapter.
I do have a piece of advice for you. I would recommend engaging with a financial planner sooner rather than later. Although I consider myself pretty well educated on investment and financial issues, I have benefitted from having a planner for the decade leading up to my retirement and continue to use her today. She has raised issues I never contemplated, pushed me to address open issues (like updating my estate plan), and developing a short and longer term path forward for my wife if I predecease her. Like Mary Donahue, my wife is not interested in knowing our financial situation in any detail. My financial planner and the plan we created will ease that transition for her.
One of your recent articles talked about not being afraid to spend more in retirement. You don’t want to miss out on experiences or other important things because you didn’t want to spend the money. I put having a financial planner on that list. If you find a good one, you’ll be surprised how much you learn and how much relief you will feel when you have the proper plans in place.
Thank you again for your commitment to helping others.
I completely agree with Bill about engaging with a financial planner sooner rather than later (but of course I‘m biased). The key of course is finding a good one, someone who is fee-only (that is, doesn’t receive compensation for selling products) and who is willing to work with you even if you continue to manage your own investment assets. Ideally the planner will be someone local with whom you and your wife can meet in person, and who will draft a comprehensive financial plan for a one-time fee, plus a retainer or other arrangement that allows you to meet annually (or whenever a life-changing event occurs). They should also be a bit younger than you but have at least ten years of planning experience, including helping clients after the death of a spouse.
Totally agree with Sabine but the challenge is finding “someone who is fee-only (that is, doesn’t receive compensation for selling products) and who is willing to work with you even if you continue to manage your own investment assets. Ideally the planner will be someone local with whom you and your wife can meet in person, and who will draft a comprehensive financial plan for a one-time fee, plus a retainer or other arrangement that allows you to meet annually (or whenever a life-changing event occurs).”
Most want a % of the AUM (and not clear if they would do anything differently if you had $1M vs. say $5M). If only there was an easy way to find such an FA.
Try Find an Advisor feature on the NAPFA website (https://www.napfa.org/): „For 40 years, NAPFA has been the standard bearer for Fee-Only, fiduciary financial advisors advocating for high professional and ethical standards. Working in a strict Fee-Only, fiduciary capacity, NAPFA-affiliated financial planners are committed to maintaining the highest level of competency with a client-centered focus that means aligning solely with their client’s interests.“
Many smaller, independent financial planners will have a flexible fee structure and may be willing to work with you once you explain what you‘re looking for. They may not promote this on their website, but the Form ADV that they file with their f agency usually leaves some wiggle room regarding compensation.
I recommend limiting your search to those advisors who are Certified Financial Planners, because this is a relatively rigorous certification which involves extensive education and experience components (but again, I‘m biased, having completed this program).
Also check out How to Find an Advisor and Consumer Resources (which includes some great checklists, including questions to ask a prospective advisor) under the Consumers tab.
Thank you!
Great article and lots to digest. I have struggled with the age to hire a planner. I like your idea of 75. It’s a good mark on the wall and a place from which to deviate. Also, though I don’t have a Love Letter to my wife (I would love some suggested ideas), I created one for my daughter when she was 2. She is now 27. I wanted her to know my thoughts on life, at various life stages, and sat down I wrote her a letter. Which she still has not read, thank God.
This is an awesome post. Since the sudden death of my almost 94 y/o father (who lived a full and wonderful life), I have spent my commute listening to audiobooks covering all sorts of topics related to death, planning, grieving, etc. It may sound macabre, but these books are uplifting and have provided a sense of peace for me. I have heard of Mary’s book but pushed it out of my mind with the fear that it may bring about death!!!! It’s much like people who put off writing a Will!!!!
My mother became a widow at age 91. My sister and I had always perceived our parents as partners in everything – but we acknowledged that our father was a bit of a control freak. After his death, we soon realized that our mother had no knowledge of their finances and many other things. Thankfully they lived with my sister and her husband and together they were able to settle bank accounts, close credit cards, add my mother’s name to accounts, etc. It took about 1 year. I share this because it is a lesson to us all – young and old – to have a plan and share information with our loved ones.
This was hard to read but it has so much value. Thank you.
I am the “CFO” (Chief Financial Officer) in our family. My husband is the creative type whose eyes glaze over when I talk finances or computers. We are retired and I have automated most of our finances for simplicity. My concern is, should I die first, would there be a financial advisor willing to aid someone with between $ .5 to $1 million in retirement savings? I will be asking our Vanguard contact this question. I’ll certainly look into the love letter idea, too. I just know my husband would need help. He is not at computer savvy, only recently learning to send an email by cell phone. There are no kids. I will enlist a brother and sister, but what if they die? I’m making this a priority task. Does the book, “On Your Own”, discuss those with modest incomes and education? I don’t know how helpful it would be to us if it’s geared toward those with millions in the bank and real estate. Thank you for the thought provoking article and comments.
Fritz, you, your fellow contributors to this subject and your readers have been an amazing resource. I recently retired at 60 after 41 years. This post was very sobering and helpful. I want to ensure my wife and/or I are prepared for what the future may hold. At this moment we are both healthy and enjoying traveling and time together but we need to be better prepared for possible health challenges. I turn 62 this month and am still trying to decide whether to take SS now or wait until full retirement age. I have a good pension and relatively low debt but the future is unknown. Anyway, thank you for what you are doing for us.
Clif, Colorado Springs, CO